on death and life

this is the first time i feel like posting in a while, i just hope it does not come across as sounding like a defense — its just me trying to explain something i feel.

my parent emailed me this morning to tell me that my grandfather died (dont immediatly start thinking your sorry or how terrible that is), the truth is i dont even know why they bothered emailing me as opposed to just mentioning it next time we talked. i know to many people this will sound terrible, but let me explain. no-one liked my grandfather, we were really all just waiting for him to die anyways in some fashion, additionally i do not have any emotional attachment to death. this is where i really have to explain myself.

people and things dont tend to die on us too often, so it doesnt come up everyday in my interactions, but it has a few. back when a died i was really hurt, but i dont really remember being suprised – i knew in many ways she didnt want to be around, so the pain was intense at her being gone but also very short lived. i remember thinking i was only crying because that was what was expected of me. and since then ive developed a very dry approach to death. i dont feel anything when someone or something dies, and i really dont have the ability to empathize with it – im sorry for that at least, or at least feel awkward enough when it happens to just say im sorry – not sure which really though. since then whenever a friend tells me a pet or relative has died or they have some terrible disease i really dont know what to say, i cannot get sad about it because i dont see it as a sad thing.

i remember a few years ago my good friend and good friends mother attempted suicide, the same thing immediatly happened in me. i realized that it was a thing that i would rather not happen, but i couldnt feel sad about it. the truth is i didnt even go to the hospital to see her because i didnt want to seem like i didnt care about her or the situation because i wasnt showing sadness. a few months later when me and my girlfriend at the time were in the city talking to her, the sucide attempt came up. my girlfriend got really angry at me because apparently i didnt even tell her that this happened (which is actually a lie because i did and i remember having a conversation about it hoping it would invoke some sort of pity and help us get back together (we werent dating at the time… again) i guess thats the sad part… that i would do something that pathetic, but i guess i was in love and it makes you do stupid fucking things usually)). what i didnt understand was why she was even mad at me. everyday strangers die, people i or you will never know. death is something we have to live with, and although i feel bad at times i cant empathize with people i feel more angry about having to feel bad about it. yes i closed off a large portion of my emotions, but its what i had to do to survive.

reently i wathed the movie open window, and i particularily liked it. its basically in a nutshell about a women who gets engaged and is madly in love, then gets raped and it about her and her husbands recovery. she asks her husband to not tell anyone about it and for the next while is severly depressed. blah blah, read the rest at imdb if you really care, anyways. she eventually just starts mentioning it and being totally open with it which makes people very uncomfortable. the reason im mentioning this movie is because i can understand the main character perfectly from my own experiences. its been less than a year since i actually was able to even talk about a., ive still only (other than on this blog) told 4 people, all in various ways and always get a very different reaction. but usually its one of almost anger, like i didnt trust them to know.

im not sorry that people die, i cant be anymore and i dont think thats wrong or should be. im saying you cant be sad, but dont expect me to be. the truth is i dont see death as anything extrodinary, i can even tell you how i will die, sucide or an accident that occurs between now and the time i feel ive had enough of life.

so im not going to my grandfathers funeral, because i didnt know the man, and what i did know i did not like. he’s just another person dieing, just like some hobo in an alley or a child in some third world country. i think the world would be better if we didnt have tragedies, but its part of life, and there is only so much a person can really concern themselves with in this world – and believe it or not i choose to care about more important things.

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~ by foreverandnever on December 13, 2006.

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