like most of my posts im really not sure where to start. im quite hungover right now after quite an amazing party last night in toronto. i went with kyle to a friends place and somehow throughout the night we pinned jack down to the floor (with one hell of a fight) and covered his chest in that fake tanning stuff, ended up with a picture of his penis on my cell and got a haircut.

the problem is, everytime i resort to heavy drinking to solve my problems i always end up realizing at the end that my problems are still there and really all i got out of it is another contibution to my ulcer.

so here is where i am situated. i most likely am getting a studio apartment with kyle for feb. but before that i have quite a bit of time to do whatever i want, and i really do not want to think about a job yet – so travelling sounds like a good plan. i have a friend in brazil whom i have already contacted and he said i am more than welcome to come visit him while im working my way south through brazil to go travel through the rainforests for a bit. my other plan in malta, the reason malta is interesting to me is because i know nothing about it really – a good friend of mine mentioned it a long time ago and since then it has always sort of been in the back of my mind. i know there are tons of places i could go, and really searching around the internet doesnt help because i could easily just think of many places i have always wanted to go see, but when it comes down to it i know wherever i go i will have a good time. the problem is deciding where and if i should go. is this just me running away from my problems or is it actually a good idea?

i need somewhere to travel to. anyone have any suggestions, it only has to satisfy one thing… it has to be something very different that here.

my thoughts

Hi Paul. Thanks for your time yesterday. (what about the last month?? the number of phone calls emails back and forth and times you guys took your sweet time without and communication?)

Unfortunately we are unable to offer you an internship in London at this time, as we have a full in-take of interns from January 2007. (a full intake, you make it sound like a miscalculation. theres not even any attempt at creative critism, which hurts at the time usually in the end hopefully leads to positive change. either way thanks for inserting my name at top of a template you have created. how does it feel to be that disassociated from people?)

I have copied our US Editor Ethan Zindler, based in DC, who will let you know if there are any internship opportunities in the US during 2007. (awesome, offer a false hope i have no interest in accepting)

Apologies for not being able to offer you anything at this time. (does this make you feel human?)

Rgds (getting tired of having to put up with this simple formallity of having to type this arent you)

Chris (we’re buddies now, you can just casually sign this off on a simple first name basis… maybe throw is a hugs and kisses or xoxoxox)

now what?

i feel like crap, that pretty much sums me up. Yesturday I had to talk to the director of research for the company i was applying for and the conversation went terribly. He started asking me questiong and had very specific anwsers in mind, he asked me things like what do governments do to promote clean energy solutions. my anwser was that they basically give money to companies who develope clean energy solutions by funding them. he then proceded to tell me that there are two ways and funds was one. Then he started a sentence “governments promote new energy by giving companies tax …” so i said incentives. well apparently the word he was looking for was “breaks” or refunds. its fucking stupid, i understand conceptually how markets work, just because i do not know the specific terminology doesnt mean a single thing, i have not been an economics student and i really feel what he was asking me was dumb. im so sorry im not familiar with exact terminologies, most of what i know has been picked up randomly from movies and cnn, it doesnt mean that after a few days of being in an enviroment that uses these words i wouldnt be able to pick it up.

so now things went from looking like i had an amazing opportunity to shit. ive been a physics student, not a business one. it would take me a whole of a week at most to become familiar with that specific enviroment. I really felt like telling him that im not an idiot and just because i dont know the specific word he’s looking for doesnt mean i dont understand the concept.

after the interview i went to toronto to get my passport and after went to see kyle for a stiff drink, kyle said i was being too negative and most likely after the two interviews ive already had with awesome reviews i still stand a chance, but i tend to give up right away once things start looking bad. so i spent the rest of the day feeling terribly, and apparently it looks like im going to spend the next day feeling the same. to make matters worse, once i got back home from toronto i started drinking a little more heavily and had a conversation with a girl, who im in no way  interested in (or well no real interest that i feel will go anywhere). talking to her is almost frightning as communication seems very natural. the problem is we both are extremly bi-polar which just means one of is eventually going to hurt the other person.

whatever i guess, im just going to go on a bit of a bender for the next few days i think. planning on catching a bus to toronto today and just drinking and smoking weed for the next few days until i hear back from london on friday and saturday and then returning in time to spend xmas with my retarded family. well just another example of something which seemed good going to shit, that will teach me for actually believing something good exists in this world.

…

im not sure what to really write here. i had my third interview today and well, emm.. im sorta moving to london. now the ironic part of all of it is that my first project is going to be researching canadian and american wind turbine generation.

i dont get the complete details till later this week, i still have to have a final conversation with the general manager of the research and analysis division, but today  my conversation went amazingly  well.  im the only candidate  for the job  and they told me that they are excited about bringing me onboard.

so yeah…. london here i come i guess.

547am

its really early, it was even earlier when i woke up but i have spent the last few hours drinking wonderful coffee (im really happy i found my botum) and chatting with a friend in bc.

i guess next week is xmas and im still trying to figure out if i should spend it with my family or not. right now they assume i am, but here is the complication: i cannot stand being around them. but i also realize that there is a good possibility that i will never be spending time with my whole family again, in fact i plan on making sure i am never around them all at once ever again. so do i suffer a few anxiety attacks to please them, or basically tell them i cannot stand being around them and basically be made to feel like i ruined xmas?

this is getting to be a little rough

i was about to leave to go do some studying at the libary and noticed a new email in my gmail account.

guess what…. another interview at this london company this time with the associate director (i dont know what that is exactly but it sounds really important).

i have not slept in two days and this is not what i need now.

on death and life

this is the first time i feel like posting in a while, i just hope it does not come across as sounding like a defense — its just me trying to explain something i feel.

my parent emailed me this morning to tell me that my grandfather died (dont immediatly start thinking your sorry or how terrible that is), the truth is i dont even know why they bothered emailing me as opposed to just mentioning it next time we talked. i know to many people this will sound terrible, but let me explain. no-one liked my grandfather, we were really all just waiting for him to die anyways in some fashion, additionally i do not have any emotional attachment to death. this is where i really have to explain myself.

people and things dont tend to die on us too often, so it doesnt come up everyday in my interactions, but it has a few. back when a died i was really hurt, but i dont really remember being suprised – i knew in many ways she didnt want to be around, so the pain was intense at her being gone but also very short lived. i remember thinking i was only crying because that was what was expected of me. and since then ive developed a very dry approach to death. i dont feel anything when someone or something dies, and i really dont have the ability to empathize with it – im sorry for that at least, or at least feel awkward enough when it happens to just say im sorry – not sure which really though. since then whenever a friend tells me a pet or relative has died or they have some terrible disease i really dont know what to say, i cannot get sad about it because i dont see it as a sad thing.

i remember a few years ago my good friend and good friends mother attempted suicide, the same thing immediatly happened in me. i realized that it was a thing that i would rather not happen, but i couldnt feel sad about it. the truth is i didnt even go to the hospital to see her because i didnt want to seem like i didnt care about her or the situation because i wasnt showing sadness. a few months later when me and my girlfriend at the time were in the city talking to her, the sucide attempt came up. my girlfriend got really angry at me because apparently i didnt even tell her that this happened (which is actually a lie because i did and i remember having a conversation about it hoping it would invoke some sort of pity and help us get back together (we werent dating at the time… again) i guess thats the sad part… that i would do something that pathetic, but i guess i was in love and it makes you do stupid fucking things usually)). what i didnt understand was why she was even mad at me. everyday strangers die, people i or you will never know. death is something we have to live with, and although i feel bad at times i cant empathize with people i feel more angry about having to feel bad about it. yes i closed off a large portion of my emotions, but its what i had to do to survive.

reently i wathed the movie open window, and i particularily liked it. its basically in a nutshell about a women who gets engaged and is madly in love, then gets raped and it about her and her husbands recovery. she asks her husband to not tell anyone about it and for the next while is severly depressed. blah blah, read the rest at imdb if you really care, anyways. she eventually just starts mentioning it and being totally open with it which makes people very uncomfortable. the reason im mentioning this movie is because i can understand the main character perfectly from my own experiences. its been less than a year since i actually was able to even talk about a., ive still only (other than on this blog) told 4 people, all in various ways and always get a very different reaction. but usually its one of almost anger, like i didnt trust them to know.

im not sorry that people die, i cant be anymore and i dont think thats wrong or should be. im saying you cant be sad, but dont expect me to be. the truth is i dont see death as anything extrodinary, i can even tell you how i will die, sucide or an accident that occurs between now and the time i feel ive had enough of life.

so im not going to my grandfathers funeral, because i didnt know the man, and what i did know i did not like. he’s just another person dieing, just like some hobo in an alley or a child in some third world country. i think the world would be better if we didnt have tragedies, but its part of life, and there is only so much a person can really concern themselves with in this world – and believe it or not i choose to care about more important things.